Life in a Nutshell

Wesley I have finally settled in Springdale after graduating this past May. Both of us walked together in May. I technically graduated in December. I remember thinking/dreaming about what life would be like after school. We would have so much time and money and fun together, you know, without homework! Boy was I wrong. God has graciously walked a very hard past year alongside me. He has taught me about expectations and how they need to be first rooted in Him, the one who fulfills us, sustains us and gives all good things. He has taught me about my stubbornness and self-reliance and my deep, deep need for Him. We left Arkadelphia in the Spring and lived with some sweet friends over the summer. I was restless all summer, just waiting to finally be settled, nestled in a home, "our home". I planned and planned how that would look and even when it "would/should" happen. I sure did have it all figured out. See the problem with all of this was that it was my plans, not the Lord's and I had not taken a break long enough from my agenda to ask Him, to seek Him. Wessie and I had decided that we were going to buy a house, we had saved and planned, it would be perfect... All summer we spent all of our days off looking at houses, we even put in offers. We put in five offers to be exact on five different houses and for one reason or another all were rejected. Finally, on the sixth house we were accepted. It was a short sale so the process looked a little different and took a lot longer. Two months after our initial acceptance we were okayed to schedule an inspection. I was so excited and dreamt about what like would be like in our cute little home, with our cute little yard. Boy did I dream. But pray, I did not. I wanted it so bad, I didn't want the Lord to say no. But, He did. Our inspection came back and what had seemed like the perfect fixer upper was a perfect disaster! The home was in much worse condition than we had thought and there was no way we could afford the damage that was done in the home. And being a short sale the bank was not willing to fix any of it. So we were crushed and confused and angry and broken. We were left reflecting, "isn't this what the Lord had wanted?" I mean we would be saving so much more money buying than renting, we had the money to do it, our children would be stable and secure. And me, I would have my dream home! How could God not honor that. It was good. It was good, but it wasn't best. God knows me so well and He is so gracious and kind, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. I know this well. His plans were different and I had not once asked Him what those plans might be. We met a sweet little man who is letting us rent his home just one mile from Wessie's work, for $500 a month, just a little more than our mortgage would have been. This is the Lord's provision for us. He has placed us in a neighborhood full of kids who go to camp where Wessie works. And he has allowed us to serve out of this small, awkward shaped home. He is known here and that is what matters. When I stopped to ask and really listen, God spoke over me what had been the problem the last 5 months "You are leading and have not allowed me to do so". I had taken control. It hit me like a ton of bricks, how could I not have seen it. It was so obvious! I had taken my plans and made them God's. I had made my path and my path was not for my best. My path had earthly treasures at it's heart. God's path as always had eternal purposes at it's heart. We live in a neighborhood that needs to know Him. This is our ministry, this is our purpose and this is what we would have missed. We are exiles on this earth. This is not our home, but we long for what is to come, it will be better! But while we are here we are called to give of ourselves: our desires, our expectations, our time, our finances, our talents, our lives! They are not ours, but our Kings! So let's serve Him as His hands and feet to a world that desperately needs Him! Our front porch is one of our favorite places to be in our house. We get to see several families who surround us. Esther loves blowing bubbles and playing with chalk. Judah and I love to watch. So here are a couple pictures from our porch.

Baby Judah we welcome you!

Since miscarrying in June last year, we discovered to our surprise that we would be expecting another little one just four weeks later. As you can imagine that news came with much joy and yet much hurt. How could this sweet little baby come so soon after the loss of another? And yet when I look at him now I cannot imagine life without him. Judah Evert May came into our world April 4, 2012. He was beautiful and little and so very content as he is today. He fills our family with a Judah-like joy! In a way that only the Lord could have orchestrated. We love him! His smile can fill a room, and his joy is contagious. We may never understand why the Lord works/allows the things He does to happen. But, this we do know, we trust Him! Waiting for a baby is a unique experience at least for me. God has used pregnancy as a teachable moment (or 9 months of moments). I have learned what growing pains feel like, both physical and in my walk with the Lord. I have learned of longing for something you want so desperately to come to completion. Peter writes in 1 Peter 1:8 "Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him you believe in him, and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory." There are many verses that allude to pregnancy to describe our walk with the Lord, as we are growing up into our salvation. This verse is not one of those, but for me I saw the expectation as I carried three sweet little babies. Lord Jesus we long for you to come and we are hopeful that we will see you soon. "The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance." (2 Peter 3:9)

Daughter, what a joy you are

Esther Grace I have loved every minute with you. Ever since the first time I laid eyes on you I was filled with a love so foreign to me and yet so familiar. You are terrific. Every day with you (yes even the harder ones) are my favorite days ever. Your daddy and I love your smell and your smile and your giggle. You are a joy and the delight of our hearts. We praise God for you and the great gift He has given us in you.

We pray that you would know Him and trust in Him at an early age. We don't want you to miss a moment of the love we walk in every day.

Esther Grace May we LOVE you!!!!

These last ten months (going on 11) with Esther have been the best. We have laughed and cried with her and we have been greatly overjoyed to serve and care for her (it helps when you have wonderful friends and family who help as well).

Two Saturday's ago we found out we were expecting another one of these little joys to our lives. We were thrilled. Thoughts of what life would soon be like were storing up in our hearts and we patiently began the wait of what we thought would be the rest of our lives.
Three days later, early Tuesday morning we awoke to the reality of what we would would soon walk through instead. The pain and grief of miscarrying the sweet baby who's toes and smile we had already began to envision. We were crushed.
Over the course of the next couple days we would spend time with friends whom the Lord had intentionally placed around us. They would pray and encourage and speak truth, God's word and His promises over us.
As quickly as it came and went we were now beginning the process of healing.
As I sit here I find it hard to remember or recall the ways I had already loved that little baby. It feels like a dream, a distant fear I once experienced. Anything but reality.
I find it hard to remember and I am constantly reminding myself that I was pregnant, and I did have the precious blessing and great joy to carry a baby whom I did not fully know yet for four weeks and I praise the Lord for His gift to us. We delight in that sweet baby.
I miss carrying and already caring for that tiny little blessing. I miss what I thought life would soon be. I miss you little baby. I long to meet you one day, not here, but there. You are loved by our King.
As we have spent this last week processing we have been reminded of the great joy and gift of life we have in Esther. She is a sweet reminder of God's faithfulness. May we never forget that. We have grown more aware of her and everything that makes Esther, Esther. She is terrific.
She has helped to process what we feel. That sweet baby we have not met yet was a real life. Esther was once so small. She is now ten months later a bundle of rolls, giggles and innocence. We will never see what that sweet baby would have grown to be. But we can look at Esther and remember that the bundle of joy who once resided in my tummy was a life and that life now lives with our King.


                           Here are some pictures we thought we would share from a time of great joy. 

The Lord and His Grace

For many of you this is a new story. And for that I am sorry. When baby Esther came life changed quickly and many of the luxuries we once enjoyed were put on hold, in its' place was a baby who came into this world with a heart that would change us....
September 17, 2010
There was no room in the inn...

When I held your hand...

Cheeks!

Going home

Daddy and Esther the first night in NICU

Esther Grace, so brave!

Wesley and I awoke early. Made an appointment with our Doctor, Dr. Carozza. Bags were packed and ready to go, family had been called now for ummmm the third time, and Wessie now would wear his "Happy Birthday Esther" shirt for the third time. We went in expecting to be rushed over to the hospital, but as we would be informed the "inn" was full. Nine women had went into labor and I would be the tenth. There was no room! Women were waiting to have their babies. Well I was informed that I was dilated to a 5 with contractions about 30 minutes apart, but I would have to go home. So off we went for a long day of calling off classes, doing a lot of exercises and much waiting.....Family had finally made it and my contractions were now 6 minutes apart. We prepared to make our way out the door and lo and behold, our dear friend Becca Woodall calls to inform us as we had been asking for months, when a backpacking backpack was on sale on steepandcheep.com. Wesley frantically trots down the hall to inform me that this would be a great purchase. So I agree, sure why not we have been awaiting this for months. He rushes over to the computer, pulls up steepandcheep, picks the backpack, gives our account information (no mistakes might I add), and begins to checkout....But! Wait...I like red better, "it's sharper!" as I'm having a contraction, which have now made their way to 5 minutes apart. My Mom, and Grandma do not appreciate our sentiment for backpacking, as they gripped the couches wondering what in the world their children were doing! So we're off. Get to the hospital and check-in. I'm very nervous. Wesley begins praying over me, and reciting the verses we had memorized all summer. They start me on penicillin for the group b strep test, which came back positive. The intent was to protect Esther from respiratory infection and illness. One nurse, ten women in labor, and a giant operating room, which is all they could find for us. The halls were buzzing with anticipation. What started out to be a normal delivery turned quickly into 5 hours that would change our lives over the next 5 months. 10 Minutes after I was given the penicillin, nurses began rushing in and out of the room. They were hooking and unhooking and re-hooking monitors. The heart beat they were picking up was beating over 300 bpm. Sure that the machines were malfunctioning, they brought in two more. They would pick up the same. My doctor enters....his face lets me know that something is wrong. He sits at my side and explains that Esther's heart is racing to over 300 and they are unable to pick up the exact number. He explains that she may be retaining fluid on her heart, as well as her lungs. He will need to attach a heart monitor to her scalp, and leave a floating monitor in my uterus. He will have to do an ultrasound to see what she is looking like. But first he wants to try and shake her out of it. So he contorts my tummy and shakes....nothing....no change. He rushes to his office and proceeds as he has told us he would. I am scared. He explains that he will need to break my water to bring on the contractions to advance labor. I am now dilated to a 7 with contractions 3 minutes apart. Esther's heart is beating so loud and fast on the monitor next to me. He breaks my water, my contractions move to 1 minute apart and I dilate to an 8. Esther has no fluid retaining on her heart or lungs. Praise the Lord! Dr. Carozza explains to us that labor and delivery will need to move quickly. If it does not, he will have to perform an emergency c-section. What once was a natural birth has now turned into a lot more than I could handle. I request an epidural. After I received my epidural. Dr. Carozza manually helps me to dilate. I am shaking and scared. He progresses me far enough along to begin pushing. I can still feel my left foot. I'm tired and weak. Wesley coached me like a champ. He prayed over me and God so faithfully calmed me. He calmed us. Pushing I hear Esther's heart racing next to me. Five hours now Esther's heart had been racing. I push and push, convinced I cannot have her. She will just have to stay in there. I liked her there anyways. She kept me good company. And I could squash her when she bugged me (can't do that now). I push one final time and she's here. She's purple and beautiful. Wesley announces "she looks Asian". She has a head full of black hair and cheeks to squeeze for days! We LOVE her, instantly! She was twirled around, Dr. Carozza cut her "unbiblical" cord as Wessie calls it, the nurses clean her up quickly and wrap her in this warming foil. Hand her to Wessie for a minute and hand her to me for a minute. We meet. She's beautiful! She's off to be taken by Big Baptist in Little Rock. They were waiting on her. The nurse from Baptist wheeled her down to me to see one last time. We hold hands and I watch her, tubes hanging out of her mouth, I.V's on her hands, and she's brave! So brave. Wessie races (literally) off behind her to Little Rock where he would spend the first night caring for baby Esther in ICU. The room was empty and I was scared. Then Dr. Jackson and Mrs. Mona came and prayed over me. They thanked God that He loved Esther more than we could ever love her. And I remembered what God had been teaching us all summer long...she is His! He is her King! And He loves her. He created her. I was cleaned up and taken up to a room to spend one very long night without Esther and without Wessie. My mom was so terrific. She stayed and cared for me all night (literally),she cleaned me and loved me. Early in the morning I received a call. It was Wessie. Esther had been seen by her heart doctor. He happened to be the only doctor on call that night, and Praise the Lord for the way he provides, he was a heart specialist. Esther was diagnosed with SVT Supra Ventricular Tachycardia. The nodes in her heart were shorting, which caused her heart to race. Dr. Carozza was so gracious to come in early and discharge me to go be with Esther and Wessie. The longest and hardest night of my life was now coming to a happy end. I arrived at Baptist and Wessie and I would spend the next week learning how to care for Esther. She progressed quickly. She was discharged from ICU and moved to Step Down within one day, then on to a regular room for the remaining week. Test after test began to wear on us. We watched Esther be brave and strong. She remained attached to monitors and in her "tanning bed" to treat her jaundice. We were tired and so ready to go home, yet so refreshed from all the fellowship we had shared throughout the week. We were so lovingly cared for. The last day we were trained in CPR, we learned how to use her heart monitor, and distribute her medicine. As we were preparing to leave. We met the nurse, the one who let me hold Esther's hand. God used her in a great way to remind us of how precious a gift little Esther is. She explained to us that Esther had turned blue for a couple of minutes as they pulled up to Baptist on the first night. She had tears in her eyes. She explained that she did not think Esther would have made it. She gagged her and it had not worked. She tried again and again and finally she came to. Now we stood here with Esther about to go home, about to face the world, with no professional medical staff. We left entrusting the Lord to care for His little one as He had cared for us so tenderly.